The amount of times I've tried to write a diary and life has taken over and conquered my mind after a few days. maybe this will be the same...a different diary, a different angle, same old story. i hope not. I've given up on diarys, i don't care what I did when and what mundanities happen from day to day. No. This is different...an outlet, a friend, only not a friend in the sense you and I know. Instead the friend we all would like to have...objective, non judgmental...silent.
I realised I loved him again this week. After months a fantasies and wondering and wishes I realised its not my fantasy men i want, the ones awake the intense longing in me. The longing goes and fades just as quickly as it stirs. Once again I feel content with him, and while my thought in my head of others carry on, they no longer rage. they are no longer important...merely ways of passing the time, or helping me go to sleep, or helping a mundane situaton pass relativley pain free. he is not the man I dream of...but he is the one i dream with, and whose arms engulf me with a feeling of safety and love. He is the one and they are the many. The many who could have been and never will be.
I hate my housemate. he is everything I am not, everything I hate. he is depression without hope or will to br free and love life again. he is mediocrity. he is the people I despise who waste their lives so effortlessly. Every situation in his life will be marred by an addiction to pain and a desperation for attention. he is ugly...when he kissed that annoying little girl of his it makes my stomach turn. i have never felt this before unless it was interwoven with sexual attraction, and the hate was in fact a deep love. this is not that. he is the source of all contempt. every word from his mouth is meaningless to me, his feelings bore me, his voice makes me want the ground to swallow me whole. And he takes my love away from me. Once united in our hate, he now tries to humour this worthless shell of a man.
I am tired...i want him to hold me. I will steal him from that hideous cousin of his. she may as well be a man. No wonder shes a virgin...who would fuck that? And so it begins...